The End is Nigh: Getting the Most from your Apocalypse Experience (Introduction)

This is a series designed to help you embrace the apocalypse that our modern media has encouraged us to not only accept, but to embrace. It is broken up into 9 topics of general advice on how to get the most out of your own personal apocalypse, whatever it may be.

Greetings, soon-to-be-dead person. How are you? I am assuming you are one of two things, and they are ‘stressed’ or ‘relieved’ (or both, for the more complex thinkers).

If you are expecting this book to tell you how to survive the expected apocalypse that will befall you at any moment now, then I am afraid I must disappoint you. I have no survival tips other than you should have something called a “bug-out bag” handy, and in an emergency, cow’s blood can be used in transfusions to humans. I am not 100 per cent on that last one, but as I said, I am not writing this to tell you how to survive anything, so if you have a cow handy, have at it.

This book is a self-help guide to assist you in getting the most out of your time in your current corporeal form before you are relieved of it by the asteroid or the aliens or the zombies or whatever you perceive your personal apocalypse to be. Everyone has a theory about what it will be, so shut the fuck up about it for a second and just agree that you are all doomed. Let’s focus on what you should do before said doom peels you out of that meat-suit you spend so much time fretting about.

Let’s start with the basics: Maslov’s Hierarchy of Needs. If you are unfamiliar with it, then you never went to college. It is a list of basic necessities that some guy named Maslov decided all humans need to survive in this world, and every academic since has agreed with him. They are:

1) Food

2) Shelter

3) Clothing

Food: Get as much of it as you can, the tastier the better.

Shelter: Get some and fill it with soft things. Then get as many other people in there with you as you can, the more attractive to you, the better.

Clothing: Get rid of it.

The fourth thing on that list should have been oil, and I do not mean the black gooey sort the big oil companies insist that you use for fuel even though we all know damn well that there are plenty of other less planet-devastating fuel sources available. The kind of oil I am talking about is of the baby variety. Or the KY or whatever kind of lubricant feels good and smells good on human flesh. The fruitier and tastier the better. Do not get it in your eyes.

So there you have it: A shelter filled with delicious food, soft stuff and naked, oily people. Enjoy.

Now I hear some of you saying, “I seem to have invited some shy prudes to my end-of-the-world naked food and oil orgy. No one is mingling!” I forgot to mention that under the ‘food’ category there should also be alcohol. I would suggest drugs as well (preferably marijuana or LSD or ecstasy or DMT, or even ayahuasca if you can find it) but sometimes they can backfire and make people even more introverted and weird. But you know best. They’re your new friends after all. Your new, naked, oily, drunk friends. Music helps, too, but for the love of God, no Steve Miller Band. Who are you, your grandparents? And besides, I hate the Steve Miller Band. I won’t come to your naked, oily pillow push if you are playing the Steve Miller Band. No one else should, either.

That is my knowledgeable self-help advice to you for the apocalypse in its simplest form. But you are the children of the NOW generation, and you know nothing is ever really that simple. So let’s get more complicated. You may now partake of the rest of this book. SPOILER: The last page has been soaked in LSD. Turn to it, lick it, and then return here.

Did you lick it? If you didn’t, good for you. Of course there is no LSD there. My publisher would never allow such a breach of ethics. If you did lick it: HA! Made you lick it! Now let’s get started.

PART 1

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