Take it from me, Doc — a great way to cheer yourself up each morning is to go out onto your patio, or just open a window and lean out, look around, and give the world a good, loud, “BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Now I don’t want to come off as being negative. I mean, by nature I am a very negative person. I can’t help it. Nonetheless, I try to keep on the sunny side of the street. Not literally. The sun is poisonous these days, and what with the record-high temperatures, I actually prefer the shady side of the street, especially if it is lined with pubs with patios. God, how I love a good patio-pub!
Our world does have its problems: Climate change (everything’s burning up), we’re running out of potable water (Australia and India are already feeling the pinch), we are killing our environment faster than it can replenish itself, and in America, our demented president is fomenting a race-slash-civil war along with the help of the media on both sides. Human rights are taking a beating the world over. We’re shooting each other down like dogs in the streets while we rip desperate migrant families seeking refuge apart and lock them up in unsanitary cages. For-profit prisons are turning both immigrants and U.S. citizens into a new slave labor force, and it seems the Elite have us, the common folk, on the path to becoming a global slave population to serve their nefarious child-molesting whims. All the while corruption has devoured our government like a cancer, so nothing is being done about these atrocities.
To keep us from rising up en masse and putting a stop to their plans for depopulation and total global enslavement, they have once again successfully deployed their infamous Divide & Conquer strategy, spreading conspiracy theories and racism through their media wing at Fox News and other outlets. I cannot say this enough: It is not and never has been “Republican versus Democrat” or “Muslim versus Christian” or “Black versus White” or “New Immigrant versus Old Immigrant” or “Liberal versus Conservative” or any other media-promoted conflict of interests. It has always, always, always been the Wealthy Elite versus YOU. You and me. All of us.
Now you may be one of those who has amassed a certain amount of wealth. You may have had some impressive success in your life, and you may have even started out with some “liberal” views, but once you “grew up” and started a family and got some money in the bank, your priorities may have changed. You may even feel like you should support the status quo now because you are “in the club.” But you’re not. The Elite may play along and let you think you’re one of them as they nickle and dime the shit out of your hard-earned money, but in the end you’ll be right here on the heap with the rest of us. You’re not Blue-Blood, you’re just new blood. If you aren’t a multi-millionaire, you are still a servant. You may be the fatted calf, but when the occasion arises, you will be slaughtered.
So what can we do about it? I’ve been working on this problem all of my adult life, studying the nature, culture, and conspiracy theories of all sides, examining the history of this scheme to create a global Ruling Elite Class that owns, buys, sells, trades, and abuses the Servant Class. In the United States, the clearly ironically-named “Citizens United” legally made corporations The People, and the real people are now just another commodity. And here’s what I can tell you:
We can’t do a damn thing about it. It’s going to happen. Hell, it’s already happening. And we can’t do a damn thing about it because it flies in the face of human nature to be able to put aside prejudices and opinions that have been deeply ingrained over generations to the point that most don’t even see them as problems. No matter how we try to organize a collective front to defend ourselves, infighting will always break us apart, and the invisible chains of debt and division slip more tightly around our necks.
All we can do is try to stay positive and have some fun as our world burns and our children are enslaved. Each generation has failed the next in some way or another. Even the Greatest Generation, the heroes of World War II, came home from war and failed us by not addressing the same deeply-held prejudices, and not asking questions when they killed the Kennedys. Although this generation should get a pass because at least they got their shit together long enough to stop Hitler.
How do we stay positive in a world as bleak as ours, when we know damn well that nothing awaits us in the future but famine, thirst, and chains? How can we face a short, ugly life of hard labor, abuse of all kinds, and quite possibly having to fight to the death in a desert ThunderDome for the amusement of the Elite?
Well, the little we can do we have to do right now, while we still can, while we still have some of the trappings of freedom left to us. Just like Hunter Thompson did for the journalism game, we have to go Gonzo on them. As Heath Ledger so famously said as the Joker in what was arguably the best Batman movie ever made, “Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos.”
The world is burning anyway. We may as well get our kicks before the whole shit-house goes up in flames (to paraphrase Jim Morrison). It doesn’t matter how big or small you go, just think of some crazy shit and go do it. Just make sure your target is NOT your fellow working-class slobs, but the elite that abuse us all for their own sick gains.
Instead of throwing out your garbage, box that shit up and mail it to your state representatives. Dress up as Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees and stand menacingly outside the White House gates. Or dress up as Mr. Rogers and just stand there smiling and waving unnervingly. Bring along some friends and make a weekend of it. Set up a grill and take shifts being creepy. So what if you end up in prison? You’re headed there anyway.
Start a letter-writing or telephone campaign to flood the White House with time-wasting questions. Their phone number is (202) 456-1111. Or (202) 456-1414. Or call the visitor’s office at (202) 456-1212 and ask them if they can accommodate your emotional support gazelle. You should already know their mailing address.
Send old lettuce and/or turtle food to #MassacreMoscowMitch McConnell.
Fuck with big corporations, too. Dress up as Tom Cruise’s character Les Grossman from the film Tropic Thunder and organize a flash-mob Les Grossman look-alike dance contest on the steps of Amazon’s offices at 410 Terry Avenue North in Seattle, Washington.
Remember how we’re running out of drinking water, but the Nestle® corporation has been buying it up and stealing it all over the world? Well, piss is potable in desperate situations, so maybe they want that, too. Send bottles of your piss to 800 North Brand Blvd. Glendale, CA, 91203. If you’re in Europe, you could try sending it to their global HQ, Nestlé S.A., avenue Nestlé 55, 1800 Vevey, Switzerland. I’m not sure about the logistics of sending liquids by international post. Maybe just pee on some napkins and put them in a Ziploc® baggie.
Petition to get Terry Crews to revive his character from Idiocracy, President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho, up on stage at the next Democratic debate. Or get a bunch of friends to dress up like him and attend a DNC event yourselves. Why not throw some more clowns into that circus? They won’t let you onstage to debate? Bring a bullhorn.
Go to political rallies like you thought you were going to ComicCon. We need to see people in those crowds dressed as Deadpool wearing a strap-on penis or Pokemon in a tutu or whatever weird shit you’re into, and hold up signs proudly displaying random phrases that have nothing to do with the candidate’s message. Do you have a rubber sex suit? Put it on and follow Mike Pence around. Get in as many pictures with him as possible. Pelt him with dildos! Speaking of dildos, why not collect old dildos — hold a Dildo Drive in your community — and mail the dildos to any congressional rep or CEO you want.
Wherever there is someone trying to make a speech or do a remote broadcast, be there with your drunken a-Capella group to drown them out with a rousing rendition of “Millionaires” by Phat Bollard.
Crash political fund-raising $10,000-a-plate dinners with a Furry Convention.
If you are a hacker or a cracker, hit their financial institutions. Kick ’em in the moneybags, that’s where you can really hurt them. Not so cyber-savvy? Banks are good targets in any capacity. What would happen if you sprayed Cheez Whiz into the card slot of an ATM? What about using drones? They seem to be all the rage right now. Not sure how, but use your imaginations.
The recent interest in storming Area 51 is a good start, but wouldn’t it be more productive to storm the Federal Reserve? How much fun would it be if the Area 51 thing was just a distraction, and instead 200,000 people showed up outside the Federal Reserve Building at 1850 K Street NW in Washington, DC, screaming “We want our money back!” And they should all be dressed as “Rich Uncle Pennybags” from the Monopoly board game.
I realize that “hassling the man” really means you will most likely just end up hassling the low-level wage-slaves that said man uses as a buffer. My advice is to not be that buffer. Imagine what could happen if a few hundred thousand of you wage-slaves all stayed home on the same day? Organize a STOP protest, and everyone call in sick with no prior warning. Stay home, get high, and call your congressperson at 202-224-3121 and tell them how your day is going. That’s just the switchboard, so make sure you know the name of your rep before you call. Or just Google their office number.
You should realize by now that voting does nothing, and it should be painfully obvious that whatever you say doesn’t make a damn bit of difference, so just get out there and make some NOISE.
We all know we’re doomed, but let’s not give THEM the satisfaction of thinking they took us down unwittingly. Let’s go out letting them know that WE know it’s all a farce, and no one bought their bullshit. Fight their bullshit with bullshit of your own. If you can’t beat them, at least irritate the holy f**k out of them.
Some of you may be too young to remember the Yippies. They were even before my time, but I’m still old enough to have read Abbie Hoffman’s Steal This Book when I was in college. In the summer of 1967, the Vietnam War was raging, and the Yippies wanted it to end. They organized a plan to encircle the Pentagon and chant Aramaic exorcism rites, hoping to make the evil five-sided structure “rise into the air, turn orange, and vibrate until all evil emissions had fled.” This is the sort of absurdist activism we need today. As I mentioned in an earlier post, our current president is already orange, so how hard could this be? And keep in mind, the Yippies organized that massive movement without modern social media.
A note about social media activism: Just posting random grievances doesn’t work. Social Media is a dumping ground for all of your pent-up frustration. They know we will take to social media to vent our anger at the situations being forced upon us… and it will sit there in a big pile of harmless ones and zeros, accomplishing nothing. Instead of taking it to the streets and actually DOING something, we will waste all of our time and energy bickering back and forth, stupid people on smart phones. We need real-world activism, and we need activism that can unite rather than divide. Social media’s only value is as a means of real-world organization.
However, organization itself is turning us against ourselves, so think of it more as a tool for disorganization. Who doesn’t love absurdity? Be absurd — be REAL-WORLD absurd. Make them see it. Get on your local news, national news if possible. If people ask you why you did it…
They clog your arteries with shitty food, they clog your time with tedious jobs, they clog your mind with noise, noise, noise — so clog their system with your own brand of absurdist bullshit. I don’t care what “side” you want to represent, just respect everyone else’s representations. Our messages may not agree. Hell, they may be indirect opposition. But we all know the heart of the problem: Our corrupt, money-sucking, media-controlling, backroom-scheming, war-mongering, world-destroying corporate masters and their government puppets. We can’t organize all the tentacles of the monstrosity and make them work together, but all of the tentacles can attack the same target — the head.
Don’t tear each other down, but feel free to promote the hell out of yourself. Don’t be racist. Don’t be xenophobic. Don’t be political. Don’t be violent. Just be a human being and separate yourself from the bullshit circus they throw at us 24/7. Rise above and disrupt below.
We’re not going to win, folks. We always, always, always fall for the Divide & Conquer scheme. We’re obviously never going to agree on anything, so don’t try to organize. Try to disorganize. We all know the heart of the problem lies at the top, so undermine it, destabilize it, and bring it down. Whatever our individual thoughts and beliefs, we’re all headed into the same darkness. So as Dylan Thomas famously wrote, “Do not go gentle into that good night.” They try to confuse us and divide us with a circus of bullshit, so we should hit them with the same. Send in our own damn clowns to fuck with their clowns.
We can’t fix the system. If we could, we would have done it a long time ago. We can, however, trash the system before it trashes us. Whatever our similarities or differences, we’re not anything. We are, however, a whole lot of everything.
We’re obviously never going to get organized. Let’s see how much damage we can inflict by being disorganized. We can’t do anything, but we can do something.
I leave you with this classic pep talk from the classic 1979 film, Meatballs.
Now get out there and disrupt the system. Gum up the works. Burn the bureaucracy. And remember the only two rules to being a good person:
- Never hurt anyone else, physically or emotionally*, and if you do (because you will), apologize.
- Never enforce your opinions, beliefs, or ideologies on anyone.
*Frankly, I do not care if you hurt some corrupt, rich a$$h*les feelings. That’s kind of the point here. But be decent to each other.